The pin piercing chilliness time pieced down on me during my journey on Kaveri Express which runs from Chennai to Mysore during the so labeled coldness of Bangalore in the month of JAN.
From Jolarpettai (Tamilnadu) I stepped into the general compartment of Kaveri Express, in spite of Tamilnadu and Karnataka having concern over River Kaveri, the train still runs between the two states. This is the prettiness of being a sovereign Country. A Muslim sleeping with his head rested on a Hindu’s shoulder and a Christian on a Muslim’s lap. None cared to ask over what caste or creed one was from and I would call that national integration. My eyeballs ran through all the faces that I could reach and then I realized this is India, a train, a compartment with Sikhs, Hindus, Christians and Muslims etc. There I could perceive harmony.
Not knowing when I would reach Krisnarajapuram my destination, I stood beside the hundreds in that cubicle. Thoughts perforated my mind, what am I to do till I accomplish where I desire to dock. I thought of my days, my love and my kids. I speculated what they would be doing at 0130 AM, sleeping, dreaming or cursing me for what I’ve done with their potential. I was not in a position to respond to my own query, just prayed that they would all be concealed without any commotion.
Thinking lined above me and I was in form to visualize my school days. There I could see my dad, my mom, my sis and above all the one I love. My thoughts at this speck of moment were modest with my life not being so very precious. My thoughts cleared of with imagination when I heard the hundreds of cell phones beep like the horses hurtle.
I was puzzled not knowing what was happening and curiosity brushed my brains. Intrusive is not the word but I wanted to know why all the cell phones beeped. Disturbed from the beep a little girl looking 8 who woke up from her sleep asked here mom “have we reached Kuppam?” Kuppam a strange name for me and curiosity creped in again. Among the hundreds someone said, ‘entered Andhra Pradesh’. I was content by hearing that. I could distinguish all the messages that might have flashed through their cell phones (Airtel, Vodafone, Idea, Spice, BSNL etc etc... – WELCOMES YOU TO ANDHRA PRADESH). India claims to be in close proximity of being developed and a roaming facility within the country is bizarre.
In a slash moment, my awkward brain got me back to portray into my thoughts. I fancied of being intoxicated which would permit me not to indulge in views that’s throbbing. This is one of those days where empathy is over powered by intelligence wherein I dislike reckoning but, the unintelligent brain wouldn’t snoop into kindness. I left the1260 cubic centimeter of my brain to travel on its corridor. It’s all branches of the bipolar disorder that I am enduring. I prefer to reside with it coz this reaction furnishes me all the way through pleasure and pain.
Where did I go off beam? Why did hell subside in excess over me? May be she was right in refurnishing my thoughts, ‘ITS GOD PUNISHING for what I’ve done’. It’s GOD for bestowing pain to the innocent. It’s GOD who imposed an interdict over me for shelling out all the misery to guiltless heads. It’s that supernatural being who has blessed me for the predicament where I got the radiant souls into and I speculate to face it coz I’m left with no preference. I would like to have that modest fragment of nerve and unaided I want to surface from it. Emotional trauma unbolted my tear glands, Stuck in the cubicle with hundreds I was finding it thorny to conceal my mind-set. I fancied at this juncture if tears would have veiled through perspiration then man-kind would pride off as a glorious creation by almighty. I looked down on the stained floor of the compartment and recollected reading somewhere:
“Tears are the diamonds of your soul
Please don’t be ashamed of crying
Your tears come right from your heart
Don’t you know how pure they are?”
At this dot of time I never wanted to comprehend the above lines. I clogged my eyes to avoid embarrassment where a stranger may pursuit and hurl questions. If my tears claim to be uncontaminated then allow it to sponge down the soil on the stained floor of the compartment. The train slowed down and stopped. That was Kuppam, a small town in Andhra Pradesh famed for its granite quarries.
I stopped wearing a watch or carry a cell phone but now I wanted to know what time it was. I was pretty content with the unconventional voice that said “are you on your way to sign off a hundred billion dollar contract, why are you being so time conscience?” that was true to the core. Ha-ha... This impish brain is a very devious counterpart of your body coz it sure does have a superior sense of humor and it surely does know when and how to play its shenanigans*.
From Jolarpettai (Tamilnadu) I stepped into the general compartment of Kaveri Express, in spite of Tamilnadu and Karnataka having concern over River Kaveri, the train still runs between the two states. This is the prettiness of being a sovereign Country. A Muslim sleeping with his head rested on a Hindu’s shoulder and a Christian on a Muslim’s lap. None cared to ask over what caste or creed one was from and I would call that national integration. My eyeballs ran through all the faces that I could reach and then I realized this is India, a train, a compartment with Sikhs, Hindus, Christians and Muslims etc. There I could perceive harmony.
Not knowing when I would reach Krisnarajapuram my destination, I stood beside the hundreds in that cubicle. Thoughts perforated my mind, what am I to do till I accomplish where I desire to dock. I thought of my days, my love and my kids. I speculated what they would be doing at 0130 AM, sleeping, dreaming or cursing me for what I’ve done with their potential. I was not in a position to respond to my own query, just prayed that they would all be concealed without any commotion.
Thinking lined above me and I was in form to visualize my school days. There I could see my dad, my mom, my sis and above all the one I love. My thoughts at this speck of moment were modest with my life not being so very precious. My thoughts cleared of with imagination when I heard the hundreds of cell phones beep like the horses hurtle.
I was puzzled not knowing what was happening and curiosity brushed my brains. Intrusive is not the word but I wanted to know why all the cell phones beeped. Disturbed from the beep a little girl looking 8 who woke up from her sleep asked here mom “have we reached Kuppam?” Kuppam a strange name for me and curiosity creped in again. Among the hundreds someone said, ‘entered Andhra Pradesh’. I was content by hearing that. I could distinguish all the messages that might have flashed through their cell phones (Airtel, Vodafone, Idea, Spice, BSNL etc etc... – WELCOMES YOU TO ANDHRA PRADESH). India claims to be in close proximity of being developed and a roaming facility within the country is bizarre.
In a slash moment, my awkward brain got me back to portray into my thoughts. I fancied of being intoxicated which would permit me not to indulge in views that’s throbbing. This is one of those days where empathy is over powered by intelligence wherein I dislike reckoning but, the unintelligent brain wouldn’t snoop into kindness. I left the1260 cubic centimeter of my brain to travel on its corridor. It’s all branches of the bipolar disorder that I am enduring. I prefer to reside with it coz this reaction furnishes me all the way through pleasure and pain.
Where did I go off beam? Why did hell subside in excess over me? May be she was right in refurnishing my thoughts, ‘ITS GOD PUNISHING for what I’ve done’. It’s GOD for bestowing pain to the innocent. It’s GOD who imposed an interdict over me for shelling out all the misery to guiltless heads. It’s that supernatural being who has blessed me for the predicament where I got the radiant souls into and I speculate to face it coz I’m left with no preference. I would like to have that modest fragment of nerve and unaided I want to surface from it. Emotional trauma unbolted my tear glands, Stuck in the cubicle with hundreds I was finding it thorny to conceal my mind-set. I fancied at this juncture if tears would have veiled through perspiration then man-kind would pride off as a glorious creation by almighty. I looked down on the stained floor of the compartment and recollected reading somewhere:
“Tears are the diamonds of your soul
Please don’t be ashamed of crying
Your tears come right from your heart
Don’t you know how pure they are?”
At this dot of time I never wanted to comprehend the above lines. I clogged my eyes to avoid embarrassment where a stranger may pursuit and hurl questions. If my tears claim to be uncontaminated then allow it to sponge down the soil on the stained floor of the compartment. The train slowed down and stopped. That was Kuppam, a small town in Andhra Pradesh famed for its granite quarries.
I stopped wearing a watch or carry a cell phone but now I wanted to know what time it was. I was pretty content with the unconventional voice that said “are you on your way to sign off a hundred billion dollar contract, why are you being so time conscience?” that was true to the core. Ha-ha... This impish brain is a very devious counterpart of your body coz it sure does have a superior sense of humor and it surely does know when and how to play its shenanigans*.
* Harmless michievous play
Life is filled with problems and I always wondered why news papers are printed with problems like crossword, sudoku, kakuro, mindbender so on and so forth. Guess Arthur Waynne the inventor of crossword puzzle and Leonhard Euler the father of sudoku may have thought, “anyways this world is crammed with problems so let me give them some more.” I am very bad with numbers maybe that’s one of the prime explanations for all the miscalculations in my life. I am sort of fond with solving sudoku and to brush away my thoughts I tunneled into my bag and pulled out a couple of news paper and started to work over sudoku. In a few moments blundered one of the vertical columns and my little brain hymned again, “concentrate or quit, coz I have a lot of exertion for you”. I decided for the latter and firmed to call it off and pushed the newspapers back into the very place it had wombed.
My views were uncultivated and never matured at any given point of time and deliberate in anxiety of where my desires were to trek. My kids materialized before my sight, in silence with a grueling expression and it did not take me time to figure the reason of their ephemeral stare, but still considered lucky enough to visualize them right in front of me. Their innocent voice chorused out “why did you do this to us? What did we do wrong for your malodorous deeds?” I stood there in a status of distress not knowing what to do. I wanted to be repentant but I’m no toddler to do errors and blame it on oversight, thinking an imperative individual would proper my doings. I wanted to hug them and kiss them but in a flare they vanished. I acquainted my act wherein I misplaced them in the course of my life and never to glimpse them all over again. I had myself to criticize and wished to disintegrate. Gloominess hit the skies and in that frame of mind I thought this is going to capture me in a state of insanity. Being saturated and dried out, my temperature shot up. I sought a stream to guzzle down water and wished the moving train was a gushing tributary where I could submerge and satisfy my thirst. Kaveri Express screeched and halted at Maramootlu in Karnataka renamed as Bowringpet who was an officer in charge of the once prominent Kolar Gold Fields and currently recognized as Bangarapet.
My fondness towards football facilitated to tackle myself through the hundreds in the cabin to make my way through to the exit. Pretty flabbergasted to see that public traveling in the general compartment were not eligible for bare minimum comfort. The compartment was stationed 50 meters missing the platform. This could be easily perilous for the elderly people who could possibly skid and collapse off the train. I raised my concern with a commuter, a simple smile prevailed as I could see his paan stained teeth. The feared question was tossed out at me “is this the first time you are traveling in a general compartment?” a very authentic question. Conscious silence was of desirable quality at this spot and not intended to break out a conversation with the paan stained unfamiliar individual. I designed to dodge my way back to the place where I was embedded. Yes, it was my first expedition in a general compartment and that undeniably is the part and parcel of life.
The train started to roll progressing forward at an ostensible speed, the magnitude of swiftness never allowed my thoughts to stride forward. Past is past but my future lay coupled with my history, I am curious to know where I am heading to and I should intend to exert through it in intriguing approach. Day or night doesn’t really theme up coz I stand in total darkness, lost, vacant and blustered away. Scent of the air still remains untouched, since how it was on 20th June 2007 when I landed in Bangalore for a whirling summit of my life. Subsequent to that stopover everything started to transform in this peripheral world of mine. Even though missing those breathtaking moments of my life, I sunk into those dazzling reminiscence where those striking pair of eyes twinkled, the dazzling smile escalated and I started to sense her feel on me. I don’t know if my dreams are traumatized, but I still adore and cuddle my feelings as prized and precious. Misery sky scraped on me as the thoughts of her started to penetrate my skin. I couldn’t aid myself to avert the sight of her, where is she? Wish I knew but, she is an angel and I incline not to intricate on that as it will mar and brawl yet another cluster of innocent heads. I am cursed by a thousand and don’t crave to insert on that existing statistics. She went on and on and on ……. And the pain of missing her gulped me totally.
Whitefield another stopover for the train was a recognizable name famous for Brindavan the Ashram for Sathya Sai Baba and presently renowned by the entry of international IT firms like the Wipro’s, Dell’s, IBM’s and the Intel’s. I knew that I was closing in onto krisnarajapuram my long awaited destination. I badly wanted to stair out of the train even though noticeably evident that my thoughts and feelings are going to munch me up for the residue of my days. The entire images through the journey were plainly excruciating and this period undeniably will last for eternity. The clutter I dragged myself into is immense for the fact that I am sealed of in total severance, as if someone is trying to preserve me for a long long time.
I stepped out of the train, factually crawled away from the station and lit a cigarette. A lengthy drag was what I opted for and at a snail's pace started walking under the street lights of the outer ring road. I have traveled for mighty long hours during the course of my career and have never been eaten up by the so labeled ‘time’. After a stroll for an estimated 45 minutes my pace condensed, and was on the verge of being steamed out. A qualis stopped a few yards away from me, a slimy head popped out and queried something in Kannada. Ha-ha...Wish I could understand. I just informed the presumed gentleman of the small tree where I was nested. I was indicated to step into the vehicle, not knowing what all will shape up for me till I reach my nest.
This was the only moment I was not fearful of any mishaps coz I was accompanied by my newly initiated friend named Vacuum. Mr. Vacuum is strengthening out to be a new companion in the path of my life with no criticism, no pleasure, no tears, no love and no misapprehension and above all no repulsion.
I was dropped off on the main road and continued to inch forward to perch on my tree. In spite of my new found friend accompanying me, there were more creations of god to convoy me for that one kilometer walk to the nest. The furious street dogs which are pretty high-flying in this part of the world followed me howling and barking thinking that I am some rotten soul lingering around in their existence. I had no reason to panic coz I had nothing to loose and comforted myself by assuming that I do have more friends in this race to isolation. As I was closing in onto the nest, my neighbors were troubled with the perfect musical extravaganza following me in the form of dogs.
Four men walked out from their so called apartments and stopped me. The pale street light thankfully aided them to recognize the silent familiar face from their neighborhood. The reality is that I dwell in to squander the twilight with their 5 to 7 year olds playing cricket and this helped me to prevail over a potential suffering by being bundle by them. Those little ones did keep their folks notified of my absence. I was clued-up of the happenings in the locality wherein, theft, eve teasing and peeping toms thrived in the area during my short voyage to describe as ‘A little pilgrimage for triumph’. I stepped into my cushioned nest not overlooking to be apologetic for the dilemma I triggered the neighbors during the untimely cock-crow hours. Weakness was in sequence where my body and psyche could take no further, Struggled to slumber coz I never could evaluate the structure of my life that needs to scamper ahead. I wanted to end this unappetizing journey of a complicated life conjuring forward.
Now I budge around in an exceedingly populated city of my own, named “Loneliness”. I started to apprehend it now when it is excessively late. I don’t desire to weep over escaped extracts but will strive to fill it up in a different goblet but, this time will load it with Mr. Vacuum my little associate, so spilling it again is irrelevant. This emptiness was shaped up by my individual conduct. I deem not to be acquainted with any personality and I shall decline to recognize my future. I will forever be in love with her and my immaculate offspring’s
The assurance is my innovative pal will forever be with me even if I move around being insane.
Where is she?
Oh… She is around.
How is she?
I don’t know.
Where are my kids?
Hmmm… They are around.
How are they?
I don’t know.
What else am I to declare or what else can I utter????
‘Do not value whom you may have in your life, but value those you have in your life’
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